I am so sorry for being away for so long.

I promise I have very good reason to. There is a little cupcake in my oven

Yes, after almost eight years of trying, hoping, dreaming and praying, Pete and I are expecting our first baby next May!!

I mentioned to Pete how I needed a picture for the big reveal on my blog and he made me pose by the road just as the sun is setting. I quite like this picture!

It wasn’t an easy journey and I will blog about how we got pregnant another time. Right now, in my four months  of being pregnant, I will now share with you the little gems I have learnt on the journey so far.

1. In the first three months of being pregnant, I was extremely nauseous and I was not sure why. I would happily take two bites out of a meal then turn green. People said there were triggers to nausea and there were some, the smell of curry, tomato sauce, pizza, cat food and anything raw like chicken or meat  would instantly cause me to choke. Because of this, Pete had to do all the cooking because sometimes the smell of the kitchen was enough to make me … well, you know.

2. I have superpowers, well, my nose does. I swear I can smell the wet dirt of the jungle at the back of the house, dust, dettol, cat litter, body odour, EVERYTHING is intensified! I was walking through the Mall one day and I swear the smell of BO almost knocked me out! It never bothered me before!

3. Brushing my teeth is a battle. It is always a matter of time before I start to gag.

4. I really look forward to ultrasounds. I love seeing our baby grow and move around and there is always a first. The first kick, the first wave, to see and hear  baby’s heartbeat the first time. Yesterday, in a routine ultrasound, we saw baby kicking over and over again. I cant help but cry every time we see our little miracle on screen.

5. I feel I need to mention this. Constipation is no fun.

6. I know its a bit strange but I love how my bump is growing and I can’t wait to see it as big as a house!

7. Doctors do not know everything. I hate my visits to the hospital. I wait for 3-4 hours just to see the doctor for five minutes and they don’t address  my questions or my concerns.We want to deliver in this hospital so we don’t have a choice so when I am really worried, I go to a private practitioner who is a lot more helpful.

8. Speaking of antenatal clinics, they make you do your own pee test. Ewwwww. LOTS of  gloves and sanitary wipes!

9. Baby stuff even for a newborn costs an arm, a leg and a house. Thank goodness for relatives and friends who can lend you things!

10. Need to find maternity clothes that actually makes me look good and not a sack of potatoes.

I guess no matter what this pregnancy brings, I am forever grateful that I finally am! Praying hard that all will be well and we will have a beautiful healthy baby in May.

I am writing this post from my hospital bed. Apparently, I have very very big cysts on my ovaries. Last Thursday, while at my mum’s house, I felt these excuriating sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I really thought I was going to die. Pete rushed me to Emergency and I have stayed here eversince.
Here is a list of things I have done and have learnt since being stuck in bed all this time.
1. Play many different types of Solitaire games on my phone.
2. Read women magazine that made me feel depressed and fat.
3. Stare into space. ( this makes time go so much slower)
4. Cat nap
5. Chat with friendly nurses
6. Dream of murdering bratty children that scream and stomp around for hours.
7. Missing Tv, hot bath, privacy, cats, going out, my king size bed, my mum, fast internet and sleeping next to Pete.
8. Hospital food is atrocious.
9. Hospital clothes are comfy.
10. Hate needles. Have been poked and prodded everyday.
11. Can I say I really miss my cats?

Will have to stay here for a few more days. Other than that, would like to wish all my readers, friends and family SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR BATIN.

In Brunei, most Muslims here tend to be very afraid of stray dogs as they are considered to be  ‘haram’, we are not allowed to touch the dog’s salivia and if we do, we need to do a ritual washing called Tayamum. I know of many Muslim friends in other countries who work with and have dogs in their home as well loved pets. But dogs here are seen as something to be afraid of, often maimed, poisoned or brutally killed all in the name of religion. I knew that Jerry must suffer some kind of abuse from students when the teachers are not looking.

I think what people forget, dogs are God’s creatures too. They are forbidden yes, but they are still intelligent animals that deserve respect, love and care.  That was why when I heard of plans to poison Jerry in school, I knew I couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

Pete and I found a lovely woman who comes to our Pilates class who was willing to take the dog. She has two children, a lovely big house and her husband love dogs too. Jerry couldn’t have gone to a lovelier home but how on earth are we going to catch a stray who we knew very little about?

After talking to the school’s very friendly security guard, we arranged to come around 9pm at night when the school was quiet. We brought  a big cage, a big can of dog food and a whole lot of doggy treats and parked quite close to the library. Surprisingly, we found him straight away in the assembly area as if waiting for us. We talked to him kindly and he started to wag his tail and sit up. We gave him some treats but he was clearly very wary of us. When Pete opened the dog food, he quickly perked up and wolfed the food down. He was  very hungry and I noticed how much his ribs protruded through his fur.

Jerry wouldn’t go near the cage and no amount of coaxing, pleading or baiting would get him in it. We then decided to make Jerry trust us, we  stroked him and fussed over him then gently lifted him into the cage. He didn’t even make a sound.

We carefully lifted him into the car and drove very slowly to his new home which was about half an hour away. He kept standing up in the cage and whenever Pete braked, he would clumsily fall over. Not once did he whine or make a sound.

We finally got to his new home and his new owners fell in love with him instantly. We drove away feeling happy that we have saved a beautiful life and we can only hope that he has a happy long life with his new owners.

We hear that he is settling into his new life quite happily, he eats like a horse and has bonded well with his new family. I was quite surprised to hear though that he has been barking.. only when he has a flea bath once a day Good on you little Jerry.

The first cake was for Amy, she wanted a simple two tier cake with red and white roses. It was a bit of a rushed job as I only had two days to make it,  I almost lost it when the second chocolate layer of the cake broke in two as I was crumb coating it. In a fit of frustration, I crumbled the whole lot and threw them to the monkeys to enjoy.

After cooling off in the bedroom for half an hour (aircon in living room was not working) with a tall cold glass of coke and getting sympathy hugs from the cats, it was time to start again. Many many hours later, in the early hours of the night, I finally made a cake I was very proud of.

Love the combination of red and white base with red and white roses! So beautiful.

The second cake was a bit more ambitious.  I decided to try and do a three tier cake and since the bride wanted a pink and white theme, I thought it would be nice if I made alternating layers of strawberry and vanilla cake. On the first day, I baked  6 layers of cake and 17 cupcakes but every layer turned out beautifully. No split layers here!

The first tier is about 6 inches in diameter, the second 8 inches and the bottom layer 10 inches. On the second day, after the layers had completely cooled, I covered the whole thing is vanilla butter cream and sandwiched each layer with strawberry jam and cream.

I was feeling quite happy at this point with the progress I had made until a last minute family function was sprung on me. Family comes first so I steeled myself for a very late night  to finish the cake in time as I had to send it to the bride’s house the next day.

It was almost 10pm by the time I arrived home and I thought I would get everything done quickly. Not true

I made my fondant five hours earlier thinking I would save time later that night but when I rolled it out and covered the cake, it was far too dry and kept cracking in the edges. I kneaded the fondant with yet more shortening but it didn’t help! In the end I threw away the 2 kilos of fondant and made a new batch. The freshly made fondant was a lot more cooperative and I covered the biggest cake easily!

I still find it quite hard to get a sharp defined edge around the cake, must do a bit of research on this.

3 am, all three cakes covered and stacked! I had to get Pete to do the ribbons for me as by now, my hands were shaking a bit too much.  Now came my favourite bit, to place the sugar roses delicately on the cake.

Some more pictures of my very first three tier cake

4am and finally crashed into bed, satisfied. Pete however, bleary-eyed and itching after I covered the bed in a layer of icing sugar…. was not.

Anyway, if you are a regular reader you will know how much our lives have changed now that we have this little guy in it.

Our little Adam, my sister’s three year old son. An energetic funny little boy whose beautiful smile lights up even the saddest of hearts.

By the way, I LOVE THIS PICTURE!! He wanted long hair so he popped the peeled skin of a pomelo on his head. That should give you a hint on how cheeky he truly is.

Anyway, our little champion turned three this year and I just had to make him a fun birthday cake. He has a stuffed monkey he sleeps with that he calls ‘Purple’ and I knew the cake must feature ‘Purple’ in some way.

My siblings and I also have this thing about ‘elephant bums’. In boring wedding ceremonies or long trips in the car, we used to doodle elephant’s bums constantly so an elephant had to be thrown in. Here is what I came up with.

The bottom layer is an 8 inch cake with 2 layers of vanilla and chocolate with vanilla icing and the top tier is a 6 inch strawberry cake with raspberry jam filling. Here is a close up of the layers before I dirty iced them;

Yum yum yum yum

And here is a close up picture of Purple the Monkey and Ellie the elephant.

I had so much fun making the animals on this cake, I couldn’t stop.. So I made 2 more for future projects, a really cute Panda and a hefty lion!

Aren’t they adorable? I can’t wait to use them on a cake oneday!

The birthday party went very well. My sister was very creative with the decorations and we had a bouncer which meant everyone spent the whole party being doused with water. Adam had a wonderful time and had a big smile on his face the whole day Here are some fun pictures of the day.

Finally, a picture of my MAD husband diving head first down the slide of the bouncer

COWABUNGA!!

To mark a hundred days since my dad’s passing, we had a family gathering of about two hundred people and to remember my dad, I thought it would be nice to make cupcakes that looked like these iced gem biscuits. I made little bitesize vanilla cupcake and just added a bit of buttercream icing on the top. Here there are compared to the real thing

I did pink and yellow only because they were my dad’s favourites

Just in case our guests wanted to take them home, I packed them in little plastic containers.

And just a little wink to dad, I filled up a few plastic containers with a few iced gem biscuits and served them together.

I can’t believe its been over a hundred days since abah passed away. We all miss him dreadfully.

Main course: Crab linguini with water cress and parsley

I decided to make a simple dinner as dessert was quite a heavy dish. I made the sauce with garlic and lemon juice then added a small can of tinned crab with some extra virgin olive oil. I added a handful of chopped watercress and parsley and tossed in the warm linguini. Delicious and simple.

Dessert: chocolate pear pudding

We had this a few years ago in a small restaurant in London and I decided to make my own version of this delicious dessert. It’s so simple, all you have to do is line the bottom of a glass oven dish with some canned pears..

Now just make a simple chocolate cake batter and pour it over the pears. I used the Madeira cake recipe and added 25grams of cocoa powder.

Bake at a high heat, I baked mine at 220c for 20 minutes. You want the cake to be gooey and warm in the middle. SO DELICIOUS!! Here is another picture!

While

While I was baking, I kept hearing little scratchy sounds. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find the source, I actually got quite scared that it could be a rat or a mouse in the kitchen with me (not that we have ever had a rat in the kitchen.) After placing the pudding in the oven, I finally found the source of thescary sounds and here he is..

He was on the fridge!!

Cheeky cheeky MURPHY!

Time: 10am to 4pm

Location: No.11, Spg 174, Jalan Ban 3, Kilanas Mulaut

I hope to see you there!!

So today, after a whole day of happily running around doing errands and food shopping, I made my first dish for dinner.

Panfried Mackerel in a Spicy Sauce with stir fried Kailan flowers, Red Peppers and Sugar snap peas

1. The panfried mackerel is a great Bruneian favourtie. Very often, the mackerel slices are marinated in turmeric powder or tamarind pulp and pan fried. I decided to do a simple marinade of turmeric, garlic and a little bit of salt, coated about 400 grams of mackerel in it and left it in the fridge for about half an hour. Do wear gloves when you are rubbing this marinade in with your hands because the powder will stain your hands.

2.Pan fry the mackerel. My mackerel slices were quite thick so I had to fry each side for about five minutes.

3. For the spicy sauce, I pounded together two cloves of garlic, a large onion, some dried chilli and one small fresh chilli. In the same wok after the mackerel was fried, fry this paste until fragrant. I then added a dash of soya sauce and a bit of tinned tomatoes. Put the mackerel back in to the wok to reheat.

4. I found some kailan flowers in the supermarket and I thought why not? But when I got home however, I had no idea what to do with it… Back up plan, quick stir fry in oyster sauce Added a few sugar snap peas we had left over and a whole red pepper.

And here is dinner!!

YUMS!!

Now for dessert!

LEMON DRIZZLE CAKE

Pete has been asking for this cake for a while and it sounded easy enough. I decided to trawl the net for a good recipe and I found a great one here

I decided to use two lemons instead of one and used a cake pan instead of a loaf and HERE IT IS!!

I DROWNED the cake with the lemon drizzle and left it to soak for a few minutes.

Came back and found the top of the cake glistening golden thanks to the drizzle.

And when we slice into it, it smelled so heavenly!

The cake was moist and the lemon was not overpowering.

Pete was very happy

and so am I

We got a phonecall from the hospital at 4am and since Pete and I live just five minutes away, we were the first to arrive.

They were trying to resuscitate him, I knelt next to him and prayed.

After a while, the doctor gently said they have tried  for ten minutes and that he was gone.

They took the tube out and I was left there alone with him, waiting for my mum to come.

I didn’t cry.

Pete came and stood next to me.

Then my mother, my sister, my brother and my aunt came. The tears flowed and the cries of shock and pain filled the ward.

I took a step back still dazed, still not believing.

Then came the funeral, the seven nights of prayer. I was always with someone, I was always busy. I kept it together.

Then I was driving to work last Saturday and saw the most beautiful rainbow. A thought popped into my head  ‘Abah is never going to see that rainbow.’

I broke down and cried.

I drove to school and found a secluded place to park my car. I sobbed like a small child and didn’t stop crying for ten minutes.

Then I got out and taught a class.

It’s been like this ever since. There are days when I could barely keep it together, I wander around aimlessly around the flat picking things up and putting them down again. I get very angry over the smallest thing. There are days when I just want to stay in bed and stare in space. When I don’t see the meaning in menial day to day stuff, nothing matters now that my dad has gone.

I am not coping with losing my dad very well.

I will keep going through the motions of living but it is hard to find joy when you are buried in pain.

I love him as ferociously as he loved me.

And at the moment, I don’t want to face a world without him. It just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

One day at a time and maybe another rainbow will come.

And maybe this time, I will look up and think of Abah.

And hopefully smile.